Saturday, July 21, 2012

What happened to my body?

I'd like to write about things more than just my beautiful daughter. I admit, I'm not the most forthcoming when it comes to my life. In fact, I'm very secretive with others, and tend to keep myself shut in. My husband, however, hears everything. When I say everything, I mean it. He even hears stuff that he could care less about, but he humors me and listens. I'm going to attempt to write what I'm really going through. I want to share, because I know I'm not alone, and I think it's great for me to just get some things off my chest and onto my keyboard. So please bare with me, as I try to write about my life and my emotions, something I haven't quite done before.

It's been about 9 weeks since I had this beautiful baby girl. I'm so over the moon in love with her, and of course it has been worth every moment of pain. She was definitely a surprise to us, when we found out we were pregnant. We weren't trying, but we weren't stopping anything from happening. I knew I was in love, and I knew that I wanted a baby with the man I was in love with. What I wasn't prepared for was how my body would change.

I've dealt with body image issues like most women do. I was always pretty skinny (not fit), until I went to college. Hello, freshman 15... then 20.... then 30. I gained 30 pounds by my sophomore year in college. I had never worked out a day in my life. Oh, P.E. class in high school? I spent most of my time gabbing with my friends, or trying to dodge any physical activity that I could. In fact, I did that all the time. I remember walking with my sister and complaining that I was sweating on my back. She laughed at my and to this day she still jokingly brings it up. I continued to be lazy even after I left college. I became really upset about my weight and appearance. About 1.5 years later, I moved in with my sister to work at her gym she owned. (As I'm typing this, I'm totally laughing at that situation.) My sister is a crunchy, organic, healthy eating, coconut loving woman, and I love her. Somehow I found the drive and the passion for eating healthy and working out. By the time I had met my husband, I was down 30 pounds and down to the lowest body fat percentage I've ever been. I loved my body for the first time in my life. I was fit, and I loved that I was a size 4 again. I would say it was the first time I felt, dare I say it? Sexy. Yes, I felt hot and I'm not going to deny it.

I then find out that we are expecting our bundle of joy and I was so excited. I started to watch my body change and the first trimester and the beginning of the second trimester were fine. My weight gain was minimal and I liked looking at my cute bump. Then the weight gain come on faster and I became heavier. I was now getting comments about my weight at my work, and I hated it. "How much weight have you gained? I can tell in your face.".... "Uh, thanks?" I didn't know how to reply to that. At the end of my 3rd trimester I was ready to get this baby out and I was sick of being heavy.

I had my little beautiful girl, and I was anxious to get back to working out. I looked at my body in the mirror and I couldn't help but cry out of guilt. I saw the stretch marks, and the fat. I was so angry at my body, but I was more angry at myself for getting upset over it. I mean come on, I just had a baby. Of course my body is going to look like a hot mess. But why am I so upset? I felt so guilty, and still do.

I'm making a decision to not dwell on my feelings about my body image this time. I will not get down on it. Instead, I will do something about it before it's too late. Here's to moving on, and not feeling sorry for myself, and being grateful that I have this body, and that it gave me a precious baby girl.

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