Friday, January 25, 2013
Walking on Eggshells
As I'm sitting here drinking my coffee, my husband and I are trying to keep our eyes open. E has been up on and off since 1:30am. I'm brought back to remembering when I first discovered she was a high needs baby. It was hard then, but I had no idea what it would be like at 8 months. I thought maybe she would have grown out of it by now, but as I go over the list once more, she definitely didn't. So here is my life now, with an 8 month old high needs baby, according the the great Dr. Sears.
Intense: Emery doesn't know how to relax, unless she is half asleep, and even then it's up in the air. Not only does she have an intense attitude, but she is intense physically. She knows exactly how to get my attention. There is no whining anymore, only blood curdling screaming when she wants something.
Hyperactive: Her muscles are always tense and she's always ready to go. She doesn't sit still and is always climbing all over us. She often lunges backwards when I'm trying to console her. If I don't get to her fast enough (I'm talking 20 seconds tops.), she is literally on the floor arching her back into a full out tantrum. This also happens if I leave the room. She does this thing now, where if I go around the corner in to the kitchen, she starts physically shaking, because she is so tense, flails her arms, and throws her self about the floor until I get back (10 seconds later)
Draining: I think this is the hardest one to deal with lately. I'm so physically and emotionally drained, that I'm at a loss of what to do anymore. Luckily, M has been giving me a ton of breaks lately, well trying to. I've been at the point lately, where I just sit and cry because no matter what, every minute of my day, is spent walking on eggshells trying not to upset her.
Feeds frequently: We are still 99% breast fed, and she eats all the time, during the day and night.
Demanding: This goes along with the rest, obviously. When she wants something, she wants it right then and there. If she wants to stand and I don't let her pull herself up on my hands or around my neck, a tantrum ensues. I once took away a pencil she found at my sister's house, and she flipped out. I'm not talking, "Oh man, I wanted that pencil, mom." more like, "WHY DID YOU TAKE THAT PENCIL AWAY FROM ME?? I WILL NOT MAKE THE REST OF YOUR NIGHT A NIGHTMARE UNTIL YOU GIVE IT BACK. WAHHHH."
Awakens frequently: We are up about 3-4 times a night still. Enough said.
Unsatisfied: I spend my entire day trying to make her happy, only to have tantrums (causes posted above.)
Unpredictable: We have no schedule. I think if I tried to put her on a schedule, we would all be miserable 100% of the time. We just go with the flow. Her naps, her feedings, play times, happiness, is all up in the air. It often is with most babies, but like I said before, I spend my time walking on eggshells, worried I'm going to do something to upset her.
Super sensitive: As difficult and E is sometimes, she is also very sweet and very sensitive. She cried once and it was kind of funny, so M starts giggling and I start giggling. Well, the crying grew even worse when she saw us laughing and she turned inconsolable for the next hour. Also, she is very in tune to the tone of voice. If she hears one of us raise our voice, she instantly gets upset.
Can't put baby down: Thank God for baby wearing, when she lets me.
Not a self soother: We tried that once. What a fail.
Separation sensitive: So last week, we had small group. M took her to my sister's for the evening. It was so nice to get a break. When they get back, my husband tells me that she cried for my sister for an hour. This is really normal. She hates being away from me. It's more than just separation anxiety, because she's been this way since birth. I so look forward to the day, when we can leave her with a sitter, or our parents and she won't cry for most of the time.
Some days are harder than others. She may be difficult most of the time, but she is so sweet. She loves me so much, and it's an amazing feeling to know she loves me. She loves me so much that I think if she had the choice, she would crawl back in my uterus and camp out there forever and never leave me. I look back at her sweet face and know that it's all worth it. She won't be like this forever. I maybe be so tired and drained now, but eventually that will change. I try to look at the bright side some days, but it's hard. Days like today are hard. But like any other high needs baby, they are unpredictable. My screaming child I had 2 hours ago, awoke into a smiley little girl ready to laugh and play. One day at a time.