Sleepless nights are becoming all too familiar.
I'm overwhelmed and tired. I'm thisclose to letting her cry it out, but I know it will do more damage to both of our hearts than anything, so that's out of the question for us.
This morning as she woke up for the 4th time at 430am, I huffed and puffed in frustration. "No, E. It's time to night nights. We lay down and close our eyes. Here have some milk. Don't stick your fingers in mommy's nose. E, please stop nose diving into daddy's back. I know sweetheart. Shhhh." This is why we stopped letting her sleep in our bed. None of us were getting any sleep. Her sleeping in her crib was showing improvements, only waking up twice a night, but now all the sudden she is up all hours again.
This morning I was so frustrated. I snapped at my daughter. I snapped at my baby girl. and I felt terrible. M insists I go back to bed. He knows I'm sleep deprived. I haven't had a full night's sleep since I was 4 months pregnant. Yeah, it's been that long. M keeps her occupied and even puts her down for her morning nap in the 2 hours I'm laying in bed. I can't sleep though, because I'm too busy feeling guilty about how I snapped at her.
She wakes up from her nap and I hear, "Mom, mom, mom." she sees me and I see her excited face and smile. As we both lay in my bed and she nurses, I tell her how sorry I am. She unlatches and smiles. Her smile is full of forgiveness and love.
This momma is tired. I'm overwhelmed and tired. I know it won't last forever. The next time I feel myself ready to snap, I'm going to remember that sweet smile. She loves me no matter what.